Bad Decisions
by Death In December
Summary: For Craig and Ashley, everything was going well...until something tears them apart, something that Ashley can't deal with...
1. Default Chapter

                                                            _Bad Decisions_

Summary: This is my take on what happens after Should I Stay, or Should I Go. Snake doesn't have Cancer and Craig doesn't leave Ashley, or cheat on her…instead something else happens, and it's bad news for Ashley.

~*~*~

            It was a Tuesday morning and Ashley was feeling horrible. She had been throwing up all morning…not to mention for the past 2 weeks. She wondered what was wrong with her.

Ashley turned around as she heard a light knock on the bathroom door.

"Toby go away this is NOT the time to play." Ashley slightly shouted in pain.

"Ash, are you okay?" her mother asked.

"Oh…mom it's just you. Yeah, I'm fine." Ash lied.

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I'm fine…I just need to be alone." Ash whispered.

"Okay…well you better hurry up, or your going to be late for school." Her mother suggested.

"Mmm hmm." Ashley slowly got up from the floor, and brushed her teeth one last time, before heading out for school.

~*~*~

"Hey Ash what's up?" Ellie asked.

"Hey Ell," Ash said.

"Whoa, Ash…you don't look so good." Ellie observed the way her face looked pale.

"I know…I think something's wrong with me." Ashley brought her voice down to a whisper.

"Gee, Ya think?" El asked sarcastically.

"Ellie, I'm being serious I really think something's wrong with me," Ashley whispered as they walked into their homeroom.

"Time will tell," Ellie said as they took their seats.

"Okay class, today we're going to be learning about…" Ashley blocked out all that Mr. Simpson was rambling on about. She was too tired to listen, so her thoughts wondered over to Craig. Lately things were going great for them, and she was glad.

"Ashley." She heard someone call her, but she paid no mind.

"Ashley, are you listening?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Do you have your homework?" 

"Hmm…yeah…yeah," Ashley said.

"Okay, so do question #2," Mr. Simpson said.

"Um…the modem is the part of the comp…the comp-puter…t-t-t-hat co…nects you…whoa." Ashley stuttered she started to feel really dizzy.

"Ashley are you ok?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"Y-yeah…can I use the bathroom?" she asked.

"Sure…go ahead," he said. Ashley quietly got up and went out the room. When she walked out the room, she started to feel sick to her stomach so she ran all the way to the bathroom, and threw up.

There it was that feeling…it wasn't like anything she'd ever felt.

"Hun…are you okay? You sound horrible." Ashley heard a voice say.

"Is anyone there?" Ashley soon recognized the voice; it was Paige.

"Look whoever you are, you should go to the nurse or something," She said. Ashley got up and swung the stall door open.

"Whoa Ash…that was you?" Paige asked in disbelief. 

"Yeah." Ashley whispered.

"What's the matter with you?" Paige asked.

"I don't know. Everything was fine 2 weeks ago…but lately I've just been feeling so dizzy and I've been throwing up, a lot." Ashley confessed.

"Ashley, your not anorexic or anything right?" Paige asked. Ashley looked at her like she had grown a 2nd head.

"No! Are you crazy?" Ashley asked.

"No…it's just a guess. Anyway, you should really go to the nurse or something." Paige asked.

"I'll be okay." Ashley whispered.

"Whatever you say," Paige exited the bathroom.

Ashley put her head down on the sink and then looked at her now pale reflection in the mirror. What was wrong with her?

~*~*~

"Hey Ash! Wait up." Ashley heard someone call her as she walked out of Degrassi, so it was only 3rd period, she could cut a few classes if she wanted too, hell most of the teachers probably didn't know she existed. 

"Ash! Wait up." The voice called out to her again, she turned around to see who it was.

"Ashley, where are you going?" Craig asked. Ashley didn't respond.

"Ash, answer me." He demanded, still no answer from Ash.

"Ashley just talk to me…please." He begged.

"It's nothing." She said as she starting walking. 

"Yes it is something, I saw the way you were acting in homeroom."

"Like I said Craig…it's nothing. You can go back to class, I'm sure Joey wouldn't want you skipping." Ash replied in a snotty way.

"I'm not going back without you." Craig said. Ashley didn't know why she was acting like this, she knew it was wrong, but she just couldn't think.

"Just go please…I'll catch up with you." Ashley paused for a brief moment; she was having one of her dizzy spells. She started to stir lightly.

"Ashley…are you ok?" Craig noticed the way she was acting.

"Yeah…look I just need to go home." Ashley closed her eyes, trying to be focus. 

"I'll walk you." Craig offered.

"Mmm hmm." Ashley grabbed hold of Craig's arm; it was her only way to gain her balance. She kept thinking about what was wrong with her. What did she do to make her feel this way….what was wrong with her?


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: I don't own anybody.

Oh yeah, thanks to everybody for the reviews. I know what most of you are thinking oh she's pregnant…but like I said everything's not as it seems.

Oh yeah and Ashley. I know it's called Bulimic when you throw up after a meal…but Paige doesn't know that.

Sorry for the short chapter, the next one will be longer.

~*~*~

Ashley's Pov

"You can go now." I sipped the water that he gave me.

"No…Ash, your sick." I looked up at him.

"I'm not sick Craig, I didn't eat breakfast this morning that's all." I lied. Lying had never been one of my strong points.

"You _never _eat breakfast." Craig arched his eyebrow.

Damn, he caught me.

"Look, I'm not sick Craig, I'm fine. Now if you don't mind I'd like to be alone." I watched as his face fell. I felt bad, this wasn't me, and I'd never act like this, what was going on?

"I'm sorry…I've just been having a hard time lately." I confessed as I watched him sit down on the couch next to me.

"It's okay, Ash." He kissed me on my forehead. Why was he being so nice? Why was he taking all of the bad treatment I've been giving him?

"I'm going to get some sleep okay." Lately that's all I'd ever do.

"I guess I'll go." He got up.

"Go where? You can't go to back home, and I know your not going back to school." 

"Yeah…I can, it's lunch time." 

"Whatever you say." 

"So I'll call you later." He offered.

"Sure." I yawned; I was too tired to talk. I watched as he walked out my house. I closed my eyes and started to think. What was wrong with me, I've been snapping at people, I've never felt so weak, all I do is sleep and throw up, and on top of that I'm beginning to forget things.

Am I Pregnant? No…I couldn't be. Do I have Cancer? Ha! Good one, I couldn't get cancer…I don't want cancer, my life would be over. If I did, Craig and my family would have to watch me die, every piece of me will wither away day by day. Ash! Get a hold of yourself. You could never be pregnant or have cancer! Those things couldn't happen though…right?


	3. Chapter 3

Another day went by, and as usual it started with me throwing up. School, was a mess. My teachers are starting to notice my behavior. Every class I went too, all I heard was:

"Ms. Kerwin, are you okay? You haven't been acting like yourself."

I know I haven't been acting like myself, but I don't need every goddamn teacher asking me the same thing over and over! My life is screwed is so screwed up…I can't be Miss perfect anymore, it's not me, I just can't live up to people's expectations anymore. It's too much for me. Everyday I find myself breaking down, I cry myself to sleep…and no one notices. My mom is too caught up in Toby's problems that she barely knows what's going in with me. What about my life? What about my feelings? Does anyone care?

"Mom, I'm home!" I yell as enter my house, and as usual no one's here. As I reach my room I started to get one of my dizzy spells I've been having lately. I just had to lie down, and concentrate on something. This was becoming to be a routine. Wake up, throw up, go to school, throw up again, come home have a dizzy spell and be depressed. Some routine, huh? 

When did my life become such a mess? Oh yeah…I remember the day I took ecstasy, that was the worst day of my life. That was the day I messed up everything and I'm still paying for it. 

My phone started to ring, who could be calling me?

"Hello?" No one answers.

"Hello?" I repeat.

"Ah…hello?" the voice asks. I didn't recognize this person's voice.

"Who is this?" 

"Hi Ashley, it's Paige," She shakily said. Paige? Calling me? This _had _to be a mistake.

"Paige, why are you calling me?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Is this a joke? Because if this is, I swear Paige, I'll…" I began. Paige wouldn't call me…at all. This had to be a joke…a cruel joke that I didn't want to be the subject of.

"Chill, Ash. I just wanted to see if you were okay." She stated. Yeah right, like she would really want to know if I was okay. I don't give a damn about her, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way.

"Yeah right Paige. Like you would really want to know if I'm okay!" I shouted at her.

"Ashley, calm down. I'm _trying_ to be nice here," Paige said.

"Look…I'm sorry. I've just been so stressed lately." I confessed. Since when did I tell my problems to Paige? What is going on with me?

"I can tell you've definitely been acting strange, are you sure you're not bulimic or something? Sometimes Paige can be so dense.

"No, Paige. How many times do I have to tell you?" I asked/laughed a little, if she asks me that question one more time, I swear I'm gonna explode. It was the first time I actually laughed/smiled in awhile now. 

"Sorry…I'm just checking. People are worried about you especially…" She began.

"Especially Craig, right?" I asked. That was another one; people have started to tell me. 

"I know he's worried, but I just need some space." 

"Hun, well are you sure your okay?" Paige asked again.

"No…I'm not sure. Something's definitely wrong with me. It can't be normal for _anyone_ to throw up almost every hour and get dizzy spells."

"Maybe your pregnant," Paige said coolly. What was she crazy? I can't be pregnant…I'm not pregnant, that couldn't happen to me.

"Ash are you still there?" Paige yelled…I still couldn't grasp what she said. The words Pregnant and I should not be in the same sentence…ever. 

"Y-yeah," I shakily replied.

"I'm being serious, you should take a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side." Maybe I should listen to her…

"Mmm hmm." That was all I could manage to get out. I was still shocked that she even suggested that.

"Okay good. Well Hun, I gotta get off the phone, bye."

"Bye." I whispered, hanging up the phone. What if Paige was right? What if I was pregnant?

~*~*~*~

The next day, I came home and as usual no one was home. Which was a good thing, for today. I decided to take Paige's advice and take a pregnancy test. 

I closed the door in the bathroom and read the directions. They were pretty simple (now I don't know if these are the exact directions, so bear with me). If it's one line you're not pregnant and if it's two you are. It will take 5 minutes to determine it.

I looked down at the stick as I sat on the toilet. So far a minute has passed…I was so nervous. My hands started to shake…what was I gonna do if I ended up pregnant? How was I gonna raise a baby? I can barely take care of myself, how was I gonna take care of a baby at that? Craig and I couldn't raise a baby…he can barely keep an eye on his little sister.

2 minutes pass, as I sit in the bathroom still staring at the test. 3 minutes to go. I close my eyes as the tears slide down my cheek. Why was I crying? I didn't even see the results yet…maybe I was having one of my emotional breakdowns. 

Another minute passes…only 2 more to go. In 2 minutes my life could be over. Stop thinking so negative Ashley! Everything's going to be okay…it was almost time. Could this test go any faster? 1 more minute to go. I start counting the seconds in my head. 59, 58, 57, 56, 55, 54, 53, 52, 51…

I start to get nervous, my hands started to shake and I had this nauseating feeling in my stomach. 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29…

As the time gets closer my determination to see the results fades away, and fear takes its place.  20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. I wipe the tears of my face as I prepare for the results. It's funny how this little stick is holding my future…my fate. 

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

It was time, I looked down at the test and there it was simple as that, I…

Well that's it for this chapter…so what do you guys think? Do you think she's pregnant or not? Or do I have something else in store? The only way you'll find out is if you review. 


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: Okay well I'm going to DR (Dominican Republic) on Friday, so this chapter right here is not gonna be so long…but I'm probably gonna update Bad Decisions twice today, and then the next time you'll probably see another update will probably be on Dec. 1s t (why? Because I will be gone from Friday to Monday, so I'll probably update on Monday. And I def. can't update on Thanksgiving, due to the fact that I will be just about everywhere…) so I just wanted to let you guys no this. Happy Holiday!

~*~*~*~*~

I looked down at the test one last time, to see if it was right. I….

"Ashley, come down here and help me with these groceries!" Her mother shouted. Why doesn't she get Toby to do it? He's the golden child, not me. Oh yeah, Toby's not here yet. 

"Coming mom!" I shouted back. I threw the pregnancy test in the wastebasket and walked out the bathroom. I wasn't pregnant. So now things should be back to normal…right? 

I walked down the steps and started to help my mom put the groceries away.

"You have a doctor's appointment tomorrow after school." A doctor's appointment? Oh no…more grief. Doctors and I don't mix, never have, and never will. 

"I guess I'm going alone as usual." I whispered carelessly as I helped her put some of the groceries away.

"So how was school?" I looked at her like she was crazy. She _never_ asked me about my day or how I was feeling, unless it concerned her…or Toby. 

"What did you say?" Something had to be up. Like I said, she _never_ asked me how my day was…never. 

"I'm just asking how your day was Ashley." She replied simply.

"I-it was fine." I stuttered.

"Why do you care anyway? You don't care about me." It was the truth; my mom never cares about what I do, or what happens to me.

"Ashley, take that back. You know I care about you, I'm your," She began.

"You're my mother." I finished her sentence. I wasn't about to hear the crap she was going to tell me.

"If you were so much of a MOTHER, you would KNOW that I've been Sick for the past 3 Weeks!" I yelled at her, slamming the plastic container of juice on the counter.

"Ashley, why are you acting like this?" My mother shouted at me. I started feeling dizzy again; this moment was a little too intense. 

"No, why are YOU acting like this? You NEVER take the time out to ask ME about MY DAY, or if I was feeling okay, or if I wanted to TALK. Your so wrapped up around Toby, that it seems like you FORGET that I'm around!" I shouted, breathing heavily at the last word. 

"Would you just stop being so selfish?" She asked me. Me? Being Selfish? That's a good one.

"Me? Selfish? HA! You have got to be kidding me." I laughed out of spite. 

"Ashley what is going on with you?" She asked as she passed me the last can.

"If you were such a mother you would know." I whispered, slamming the cabinet door and without any word I walked right up to my room. It was gonna be a long night. 

~*~*~*~

"Hey Ash, wait up!" I heard someone shout as I was walking to school. I turned around, knowing that it was probably Craig…but to my surprise it was Paige.

"You have got to slow down when you walk," Paige said in a breathless whisper.

"I did what you said." She looked at me weirdly.

"What did I say?" Paige asked dumbfounded. 

"About…the pregnancy test." I lowered my voice to a whisper.

"And?" She asked.

"I'm not pregnant." I whispered again.

"That's great! So then…what's wrong with you?" She asked. That's a question I don't know the answer to.

"I don't know…I guess I'll find out at my doctor's appointment this afternoon." I told her.

"You need any company?" Paige asked. Since when was Paige so nice? I guess summer vacation did this girl some good.

"Sure." I smiled. 

"Here comes Craig, I better get going and leave you to some privacy, see you after school." And before I could protest, she was already gone.

"Hey Craig." 

"I'm surprised you're talking to me today." He whispered.

"Look, I'm sorry that I've been avoiding you. I've just been going through a lot of stress lately." Hopefully he would forgive me…but if he doesn't I understand why. I've been so crazy these days.

"You've been sick…I know." He finally stopped to talk to me.

"Forgive me…please?" I asked, not sure if he would or not.

"I forgive you." We kissed and made up, and continued walking side by side. I decided to grab his hand while we were walking.

This was the first time, I felt genuinely happy in days. Little did I know, my happiness was gonna end…

That's it…so if she isn't pregnant, then what do you think is wrong with her?


	5. Chapter 5

School was over and it was almost time to face my fate. Doctor's scared me…they scared me a lot. You could go in for one thing, and then they find something else wrong with you. I stood outside on the steps waiting for Paige. It was typical for her to be late.

After about 15 minutes of waiting Paige finally walked out of Degrassi.

"Paige…you're late." I hissed I had no idea why I was mad…it's not like I wanted to go to this doctor's appointment anyway.

"Chill, Ash. I thought you didn't like doctors?" Paige asked as we started walking.

"I-I don't." I stuttered.

"Then why are you so bitchy?" I looked at her in shock me, bitchy? That's funny.

"I'm not…look I've just been going through a lot lately." I looked down at the ground as we walked. Suddenly, I didn't really feel like talking.

"What's the matter with you? Your acting like you had a fight with your mom or something." I looked down at the ground.

"You did?"

"Yeah." I whispered, not really wanting to tell her.

"Ash…chill." Paige laughed. Did she find my problems humorous?

"It's not funny, Paige."

"You act like it's a big thing. I fight with my mom all of the time, it's what-"

"You don't understand Paige. The fight we had last night was intense. Not like some of our other fights…this one was different." 

"Oh…well. I'm sorry." She murmured. Paige wasn't the one to actually apologize so I accepted whatever she could give.

"Well, we're here." Paige pushed the door open. I was extremely nervous, so nervous that my palms started to sweat…I could barely hold the door. I could tell Paige noticed how nervous I was getting by the looks she was sending me.

"Ash…are you okay?" 

"Yeah…I-I'm fine." I looked down at the floor, trying to steady my breathing as I felt sharp pains in my chest…this had happened to me a few times before.

"Ashley Kerwin." A nurse called out. I looked up as I tried to steady my breathing.

"Dr. Meadows is ready to see you." And there they were, those words that I dreaded to hear.

"Ash, are you sure you want to do this?" Paige asked, aware of how weird I was acting.

"Y-yeah." I stuttered as I got up to follow the nurse.

"I'll be here when you come up- -okay?" Paige reassured me, just before the door closed.

"Your friend is very nice." The nurse commented as we walked down the immense hall. Paige a friend? I guess you could call her that.

"Thanks." I mumbled, not really wanting to admit it. After what seemed like an eternity we reached Dr. Meadows room.

"You can take a seat, Dr. Meadows will be in here shortly." I sat down on the bed like seat I started to look around. The walls were a pale gray; there were 2 posters on the wall about your health and your digestive system. Oh how I wanted to get out of this prison. Doctors' offices just weren't for me. 

"Hey Ashley! I haven't seen you in a long time." I practically gagged at Dr. Meadows' attempt to try to act like we were friends or something.

I cleared my throat instead of responding the faster I get out of here, the better.

"Okay, I want you to step up on the scale please. I'm going to take your weight." I stepped off of the seat and walked over to the scale. I watched as he played with the scale numbers.

"119." He muttered as he wrote it down on his pad. He also took my height, 5'6. I had grown an inch, well that's one good thing that came out of this. I stepped off the scale and sat back on the big bed like seat. He did everything he was supposed to, he checked my reflexes, gave me a couple of shots, checked my eyes and my hearing, this had gone better than I expected.

"Okay, so now that we've taken care of the simple things, I have to ask you a few questions." I guess I spoke to soon.

"Have you been sick lately? You know I mean like throwing up or getting dizzy…you know things like that." I swallowed hard…should I lie? No, I couldn't do that. On the other hand it would make things easier. But I shouldn't…

"Uh—Yeah somewhat." I answered as I looked away from him.

"Hmm." He pondered as he wrote something else on his pad and paper.

"When was the last time you've had your period?"

"Um 2 weeks ago."

"Okay. Well you're going to have to change into this robe, I'll leave the room to give you some privacy." As soon as he got up and left I started to undress and put on the robe.

When I was finished, I started to feel kind of nauseous.

"Not now, Ash. Not now." I told myself, I had to keep myself together.

"Okay are you ready?" He asked outside the door.

"Uh-huh." I replied, I watched him enter the room.

"Lie down please." I nodded as I lied down.

"Ashley. Where are these scars from?" He asked.

"What scars?" I had no idea what he was referring to.

"These scars under your breasts."

"Oh those- they just appeared." I lied. The truth is, they've been there. When I started to get sick, they just formed.

He touched where the scars were.

"Ow." I winced in pain. Practically all over that area hurt.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just um…my chest gets soar whenever my period is going to come." I lied, that wasn't true either.

"But didn't you say you just had your period 2 weeks ago?" He asked. Damn! He had caught me.

"You know what, I'm gonna just go run some tests real quick okay. You can put back on your clothes." He said hurriedly as he went out the room. Was something run? What was happening?

~*~*~*~

Dr. Meadows sure was taking long to come back. What kind of tests was he running? 

I looked over to the door as I heard it creak open.

"Dr. Meadows." I jumped up out of my seat, anticipating what he had to tell me.

"Ashley…I think you better sit down for this." I watched as his face darkened. What was wrong with me? Fear started to consume me. I quietly took my seat.

"I don't really like doing these things." He rambled on. Could he just tell me what was the matter? I knew it had to be something bad.

"Ashley, you…."

What's wrong with Ashley? Oh yeah I'm really sorry for the lack of updates! I hope you guys can forgive me, but don't worry I'll post the next chapter soon…very soon!


	6. Chapter 6

AN: This is the chapter where you guys finally know what's wrong with Ash…or is it? Okay, no really you guys will know what's wrong with Ash by the end of this chapter. Aren't you tired of me stringing you on with each chapter?

~*~*~*~

"Ashley…you have breast cancer." Did he just say that? Did I just hear that? 

"W-what?" I chocked out.

"You have breast cancer." He repeated. I was in a lost for words.

Cancer that word hit me like a thousand knives in my chest…and worst of all it was breast cancer. How could this happen to me? I'm a good person…cancer doesn't come to good people. I started to tear up. 

"We can help you, Ashley." He patted my back, but I didn't want to hear it. I was going to die; I just knew it. My life is over.

"No one can help me! NO ONE!" I tore away from him, as my tears started to flow steadily.

"Why me? Why not someone else? I don't deserve this!" I shouted. I didn't deserve this…this wasn't happening to me. This wasn't real.

"Ashley, I can't answer that question. No one asks to get Cancer. It just happens." 

"We'll just run a few tests and we'll see if the cancer has spread or not. For all we know it might not be that bad…" He rambled on. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to be here. Nothing could make me feel better, nothing.

"Will you just shut up?! I'm going to die! I know I am…so just stop fabricating it!" I yelled and it was true. I was going to die, and my parents would just watch me die…but I wasn't gonna let this happen. They couldn't know. No one could know.

"Ashley please calm down. You're not going to die." 

"Please tell me you're lying, Dr. Meadows. This is all a joke right? Some cruel joke, right? Paige…Spinner and Craig. I know you're out there! This is very funny." I laughed out of spite. I was in denial. This _had_ to be a joke it had to be.

"Ashley no one is joking. This is a very serious matter. We have to discuss this." 

"Discuss what? That I'm going to die? That I'm going to loose my hair? That I'm going to wither away each day. And my family would have to watch me die and my friends would have to watch me suffer, right? That I'll have to take chemo and puke my brains out, right? Well guess what. I'm not going to go out like that! I'm going to live everyday of this like my last until I die!" I shouted, and that's what I intended to do.

"Chemo is just a possibility. It depends on how far the cancer had spread. And if you let us do some tests-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"I don't want to hear this! This is not happening!" I started to cry hysterically as I slid down the wall and onto the floor.

"You'd never think something like this would happen to me." I cried.

"Why me? Why me?" I asked frantically.

"The first step is to realize that you have Breast Cancer and that you will live." He tried to comfort me, but I wasn't buying it.

"My life is over." I whispered hoarsely.

"You have to tell your parents." My parents? Like I'm really going to tell them. I had to keep this a secret from everyone. No one could know. I'd just have to act normal again. Like nothing was wrong with me.

"If you promise me, that you'll see me once a week on this, I'll trust you enough to tell your parents on your own." He reasoned with me. I contemplated on what he offered. Maybe I could survive this…maybe there was hope. Oh, what am I saying? I'm going to die…a little white lie won't hurt anyone would it?

"Fine." I lied as I left his office; I wanted to get out of here. To forget this ever happened. Before I left the office I went to use the bathroom.

I started at myself in the mirror my mascara was all runny. I whipped my mascara of my face and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were blood red and my skin was pale. I could just see myself months from now…If I was going to last that long. Bald and pale…I didn't want that to happen to me. I know I sound vain right about now, but I can't help it. And that's why no one can know what's happening to me. This will be my secret and no one else's. I stared at my reflection a little while longer as a new fresh batch of tears started to fall. I wanted to break the mirror. Why did this have to happen to me? Me of all people…

I walked out of the bathroom and into the lobby. All eyes were on me, like I had a disease (which I did) or something. I couldn't take the intense stares…it was too much for me, so I ran out.

"Ash wait!" I heard Paige shout but I wasn't waiting for anyone. I had to get out of here, so I did what I had to do. I ran…I ran from everything. I had to get away from the cancer, my life, my problems, and my fears…so I ran.

Unfortunately Paige caught up with me on the Fourth block. 

"Ashley wait!" She shouted as we finally reached my house. I didn't say a word.

"Ashley talk to me." She pleaded as she closed the door behind her.

"Ash…please." She pleaded as we sat on the couch. I wasn't about to spill to Miss Gossip Queen herself.

"We all heard you yelling out there. So just tell me…please. We're friends." Maybe I could tell her…maybe she had changed. Before I knew it I started to cry.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." I whispered.

"What? What wasn't supposed to be like this?"

"This wasn't supposed to happen." I sobbed, trying to get it all out.

"Ashley, you have to stop talking in circles." 

"Paige…when he told me the news, I didn't believe it and I still don't. This can't be happening to me." I cried.

"Ash! Will you just tell me already! Whatever it is it can't be that bad." She reassured me but she had no idea what I was going through.

"Paige…the doctor told me-he told me…he told me that…" I tried to struggle to get it out, but saying it meant, I had it.

"I have breast cancer." I whispered hoarsely as I started to cry hysterically.

"Oh my goodness...Ash. I'm so sorry, if there's anything I could do." Paige said as she hugged me.

"Oh hun, don't cry. Please don't cry. It'll be okay. You'll survive this." Paige whispered as she consoled me. I could tell she was just as shocked as I was when I first heard. But she was wrong about one thing. I wasn't going to survive this. I was convinced that I was going to die.

"Paige…I'm going to die." I told her.

"Ash, don't say that. I know plenty of people who have survived breast cancer." Really? Well I wasn't going to be one of them.

"You should join a support group of some sort." She suggested.

"I'm sick of people telling me what I should do! All I want to do is go back to the way things were! This isn't supposed to happen to someone like me! This just isn't. It's unfair!" I cried I knew what I was saying was wrong, but I had to get this out.

"Ash, you have to realize this. You have cancer and you have to get yourself help. It might not be that bad at all, Ashley. I'll be with you every step of the way." She smiled, but I didn't have the heart to smile back. I was miserable.

"If there's anything I can do to help, I-"

"Help me keep this from everyone including my parents." I cut her off; she looked at me with the most shocked expression.

"Ashley, you have to tell your parents. It's not good to keep this sort of stuff away from them. This is serious!"

"Page remember when you got raped? You kept it away from everyone so why can't I?" I retorted.

"That was different." She tried to justify her actions.

"How so?" I challenged.

"Ash. You have cancer this is something your parents need to know, and your friends too."

"You want to be so much of a friend to me, then help me keep this from my parents. Please Paige, it would be best if they don't know or find out. I have to figure out a way to die…so I can free everyone from the pain I'm causing. I don't want anyone to watch me die, they can't handle it."

"Ashley do you hear yourself? Why are you making decisions for everyone?" She asked me. 

"Paige, please. Just help me, do this little thing for me please." I pleaded. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but this is the way it had to be.

"Fine." Paige muttered unhappily. She had to find away to help Ashley, just not like this.

"You promise?" I questioned her.

"I promise." She whispered doubtingly.

~*~*~

Meeh, that was a great guess…and as it turns out you were right.  So Ashley has cancer-interesting twist huh? And trust me Ash is def. not out of the woods yet. I'm gonna try to make this story as realistic as I can. Breast Cancer is a serious matter.  Is what Ashley's doing wrong? Will Paige keep her promise? Or will her mother find out? 


	7. Chapter 7

Authors Note: Hell has frozen over…I just updated! And this chapter is a bit longer than my other ones. Okay…to the person that asked shouldn't the doctor notify Ash's parents…well yeah he is…well your question will be answered in this chapter.

~*~*~

_                        Dear Journal,_

                                    I've been writing in you ever since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I still can't grasp the fact that I have breast cancer. I won't admit it either. I know I'm going to die, and to make it less painful, the people I care about can't see what's happening to me. So it'll just be our little secret…oh yeah and Paige's too. When do you think I'll start loosing my hair? The little I have…I've already started with the puking and dizzy spells so I guess my hair falling out is the next thing. I know, I sound pretty vain right now…and like a self-righteous bitch at that. But this is something I can't help. Something that will kill me, which would eat me alive every single day. I'm not going to live, so I might as well make my last days count. 

_                                                                                                From,_

_                                                                                                            Ash_

~*~*~*~

For the next couple of weeks, Paige kept my secret, but I just felt so guilty about this whole thing. I still haven't admitted to the fact that I have cancer…and I don't plan on doing so. I still get the dizzy spells and I still throw up, but it doesn't matter anymore because I'm going to die soon and nothing can change that.

"Ash can I talk to you for a second?" Paige pulled me over to the side in the hallway. 

"What do you want Paige?" Why was I being so mean to her? She is the one keeping my secret…

"Ashley, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I see you suffer every single day and-"

"You see me suffer now? Then imagine how much pain I'll go through, if I go through with the cancer treatment?" I practically yelled, but tried to sustain my anger.

"A hell of a lot less then what you're going through now. Ashley your sick, this isn't something that you can play with. You have cancer, not some little common cold. Cancer! This is serious and you need to get help. I'm your friend and I-"

"Paige please-"

"No Ash! I just can't go through with this anymore!" Paige shouted, causing attention towards our conversation.

"Paige you're making a scene." I whispered.

"I'm sorry." She lowered her voice down to a whisper.

"Look, just promise me that you'll atleast go back to the doctor." Paige whispered.

"Paige, I can't—what if-"

"What if what Ashley? You already know what's wrong with you now the next step for you to do is to get help." Paige grabbed my hand, but I quickly took it away.

"I don't need help." I whispered.

"Yes you do, Ash. Your sick and I don't want to loose you, none of us do."

"The rest of them won't know." I whispered as the bell rang. I tried to step away but she blocked my advances.

"How do you think your parents would feel knowing that they couldn't help their daughter in her time of need?" I never thought of that…maybe she was right. Maybe I should get help—no Ashley! The faster I die the quicker.

"They wouldn't care." I spoke louder, now that no one was in the hallway.

"Ash, how could you say that? Your parents adore you." That's what she thought, my dad's never around--of course. Toby's dad is so annoying and mom…well that's a subject I just won't touch.

"Adore me? That's funny. Yeah, my parents worship the ground I walk on and kiss my ass every chance they get." I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"So it's that bad?" She asked, leaning against the wall.

"Yeah…very bad. It's like I'm invisible and Toby's just—the golden child or something." I laughed in spite.

"I had no idea. Well Ash, we have to get to class."

"Since when did Paige care about class…or school in general?" I laughed.

"Shut up." She playfully hit me.

"So Ash, are you gonna do what I said?" She asked me, I wasn't so happy to be back on this subject. Knowing this wasn't an argument I was going to win I gave her the answer the wanted to hear…but did that mean I was going to fulfill it?

"Paige c'mon one little white lie won't hurt…right?" I tried to pull one over on her, but knowing Paige she wouldn't have it.

"Ash, this is more then some little white lie! This is serious, your sick. This isn't something like saying the dog ate your homework when you really didn't do it. You have cancer! Do you want me to spell it out for you? C-A-N-"

"Would you just stop? I don't want to HEAR that I have Breast Cancer!!" I shouted as I slid down the wall in tears.

"J-just—stop." I whispered, my voice shaking with every word.

"Ash, I'm sorry." Paige crouched down to the floor.

"No your not…I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me." I whipped the tears off of my face.

"Ash, just please. Get help. Promise me that you'll get help." Paige looked me in the eye. 

"I…I promise." I whispered doubtfully.

"Great...well c'mon we gotta get to class." Paige helped me up.

"You go on ahead. I'll be there in a minute." I whispered hoarsely. 

"Okay." Paige started to walk to our next class. I whipped the tears off of my face and started to recompose myself.

"Keep it together, Ash." I told myself as I walked down the hall to my next class. As soon as I opened the door all eyes were on me.

"Ashley, your late." Mrs. Kwan said to me. As if I already didn't know?

"I know." I muttered.

"Take a seat. We were just discussing the works of Shakespeare." I nodded as I took my seat next to Ellie.

"Hey…what happened to you?" Ellie whispered, trying to pay attention at the same time.

"I just wasn't feeling well, that's all." I lied.

"Bullshit Ashley, I've seen you lately and it's more than that." I really need to brush up on my lying skills.

"Ellie, I'll tell you later." I whispered just a bit too loudly.

"Ladies would you like to share?" Mrs. Kwan interrupted us. We both shook our heads. As I was trying to concentrate on my work, I noticed Craig…he kept staring at me. I started to feel sick…really sick. I raised my hand.

"What is it now Ashley?" an aggravated Mrs. Kwan asked.

"May I please use the bathroom?" I asked.

"Sure." She dismissed me. I quietly got up from my seat and left the room. When I left the classroom my vision started to get blurry. I tripped and stumbled my way to the girl's room, I pulled to open the door when something stopped me.

"Going some where?" I looked up to see Craig staring at me.

"Craig…just move out of the way—please." I pleaded, I was desperate to get in the bathroom, if I stayed out here any longer, I would—

"Ash, what's wrong with you?" He asked. We had been going back and forth with this conversation for the past week. I wasn't about to tell him about the cancer.

"Nothing's wrong with me Craig." I muttered as I started to walk away.

"W-where are you going?"

"Away from you." I continued walking. 

"Ash—c'mon, stop." He called out as he caught up with me and grabbed my arm.

"What do you want from me?" I turned around to face him.

"For you to tell me what's wrong with you" I started to feel dizzy…but I had to be strong.

"Nothing's wrong with me." I whispered as I tried to walk away, but ended up stumbling instead.

"Will you just stop playing games? I see how you act every single day! Something's wrong with you!" Craig shouted at me. I felt myself loosing my balance…my vision started to darken…

"Whoa." Craig whispered as he caught Ashley in his arms.

"Ashley? Ashley!" He tried to wake her up.

"Ash? Ashley can you hear me?!"

"What happened?" I whispered…not knowing what happened. I was talking to Craig and then I blacked out.

"You fainted." I looked at him with a shocked expression on my face.

"Did not." I argued.

"You did so. We better get you to the nurse." He offered.

"I don't need a nurse!" I shouted.

"Yes you do something's wrong with you Ash and-"

"Will you just stop? Nothing's wrong with me! Do you hear me? NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME!" I shouted, my echo being heard all over the empty halls of Degrassi. I couldn't take anymore of this situation…I exited the school.

"Wait!" I heard Craig call out to me as I walked down the steps, but I paid him no mind.

"Ashley…stop." Craig ran after me.

"Ash." He grabbed my arm and made me face him.

"What the hell is the matter with you?"

"You really want to know?" I whispered…not sure if I wanted to tell him or not. Maybe I can make up a lie…wait no. He'll know that I'm lying. What was I going to do? I watched as he nodded…I couldn't get myself out of this situation.

"I—um…I-" I stuttered, not wanting to admit the truth…to say my fate. Telling him will just make matters worse.

"Ash…just tell me." He pleaded.

"Your not pregnant are you?" Craig asked.

"If only it was that simple." I sniffed as I laughed bitterly. 

"If it's not that, then what's happening to you Ash? I'm afraid for you." His voice cracked on the last line…I started to feel guilty.

"I have cancer." I whispered…I was sure he didn't hear me.

"What?"

"I have cancer…I have breast cancer!" I shouted at him. I watched as he stood there in disbelief.

"Ash—I'm sorry, I-"

"This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you…I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me." I confessed as I broke down in tears.

"It'll be okay…y-you can get help." I tried to smile at Craig's failing attempt to console me, but it wasn't going to work.

"No. I'm not going to get help. I'm going to die and-"

"I'm not going to let you die."

"It's not up to you. You want to see me suffer?" I asked.

"No…but-"

"But what?" 

"You need help."

"Do you know how sick I am of hearing people tell me that? You think I don't know that I'm sick? That I could die?" I whipped the tears under my eyes.

"It's like a bad soap opera you know. Where this girl gets cancer and wants to keep it away from everyone…and in the end she will get rid of the cancer and live happily ever after. The whole happily ever after bullshit won't happen to me, though." I confessed, and Craig just stayed silent.

"Do you think I deserved this Craig?"

"Ash, no one asks to get cancer…I guess it just happens."

"Well, why me? Is this my fault? Have I been a bad person or something?" I asked.

"Don't blame this on yourself, Ash. You're going to make it through this." He reassured me.

"How could you be so sure?"

"I—I don't know." He looked down at the steps we were sitting on.

"We're gonna catch hell for this, you know…cutting class and all." He tried to make the situation lighter; I smiled a little.

"I'm scared, Craig." I admitted, the tears that were brimming under my eyes had threatened to fall.

"I know." He whispered as he wrapped his arm around me; I rested my head on his shoulder.

"I know." He repeated as I closed my eyes.

~*~*~

AN: Where going to step out of Ashley's POV for a minute.)

"Daughters…" Ashley's mother Kate muttered as she picked up Ashley's dirty laundry on the ground. 

"So messy." Kate mumbled. She felt like she didn't know her daughter anymore. She kept slipping away from her ever since their little argument. Lately Ashley had become very secretive She started to remove her bed spread and sheets, when she came across Ashley's Journal.

"Hmm…what's this?" She pondered as she picked up the brown book. Kate contemplated on whether to read it or not. 

"I have to respect my daughter's privacy." Kate whispered to herself as she put the book back down on Ashley's bed. She was about to walk out the room, but the book seemed like it was calling her…she was being allured to the journal. She just _had_ to read it.

Just as she was about to open the journal she heard the door slam downstairs. She jumped a little, dropped the book and hurriedly left the room and went into the bathroom.

~*~*~

AN: Back to Ash's pov.

"Mom! I'm home!" I shouted, knowing she was upstairs…but she didn't hear me. I heavily sighed as I stepped over to the answering machine. I clicked the button,

"You have 3 new messages." The automated voice said. I clicked another button to hear the messages.

"Ash…your in deep. How could you cut class like that? Did something happen? Give me a call, alright." I heard Paige's worried voice say. I deleted the message and went on to the next message.

"Hey. It's me, Ellie. Call me when you get a chance okay, you've been acting really weird lately." I smiled at Ellie's message…always looking out for someone. The smile quickly faded off of my face as I heard the next message.

"Ms. Kerwin, this is Dr. Meadows. I've called to let you know about your daughter's medical health. Uh…as I can see your not home right now, but when you get a chance call my office immediately. Your daughter's very sick, the sooner you know the better." I was in a loss for words. How dare he call my house and tell my parents. I was going to tell them…. well eventually.

I threw the answer machine off the table in anger. I flinched as I heard it crash into the wall.

"Ashley get up here right now!" I heard my mother shout sternly. What did I do now? I slowly trudged up the stairs, not in the mood for what my mother had to say. 

"Yes?" I asked as I approached the bathroom. She turned over from whatever she was staring at in the wastebasket.

"What?" I asked, not sure off what I did.

"Ashley, what is this?" My mother asked as she held up an old pregnancy stick. Damn! The pregnancy stick…I forgot about that. Fear started to take over me, afraid of what my punishment would be.

"Um—a p-pregnancy test." I stuttered nervously, looking at the ground.

"Well it's certainly not mine." She said.

"I know." I whispered.

"And it's certainly not Toby's. So that means one person, you." I could tell my mother's anger was building up.

"It's not what you think." I tried to explain.

"Oh really? What do I think Ashley?" I backed up out of the bathroom.

"I'm not pregnant." 

"Well then why the hell is it here?!" She shouted at me, unleashing all of her anger.

"I took it a couple of weeks ago." I whispered.

"Your having sex, Ashley?" 

"I don't think that's any of your business." I whispered.

"Yes it is my business Ashley! I'm your mother!" I started to back up more as she came closer to me.

"Just leave me alone!" I shouted…I didn't know why I shouted. I was in the wrong here…and I was in deep.

"Leave you alone! LEAVE YOU ALONE!" Her voice started to rise.

"What else have you been keeping from me, Ashley?" She asked, suspiciously.

"Nothing." I lied.

"You're lying." She whispered.

"Look, I'm sorry I can't be your little perfect child! I'm not Toby! I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be! It was a mistake, mom. A little mistake! I'm not pregnant, and that's all the matters!" I shouted, my voice started to shake and breathing was getting shallow.

"This has nothing to do with that, Ashley. You lied to me!" 

"Why does everything have to be about you?" I asked as I reached the end of the staircase. For some strange reason, my vision started to get blurry. It was like a retake from earlier today. I started to feel light headed; I couldn't hold my self up any longer.

"Are you listening to me?" I heard my mother yell at me…but I couldn't concentrate on her. My vision started to darken…I was loosing it.

"Ashley!" Kate shouted as she watched Ashley fall on the floor. 

"Ashley, this is not the time to play!"  Her mother clearly thought Ashley was joking.

"Ashley!" She shouted as she crouched down, to test her pulse.

It was fading fast.

"Ashley? Oh god…don't do this to me, Ashley." She cried frantically to her unconsciousness daughter. Kate quickly grabbed the phone and called 911…she didn't know what was happening to her daughter. She was scared. 


	8. Chapter 8

            I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by all sorts of beeping machines, where was I? I tried to lift myself up, but I felt so weak. I looked to my right, to see an IV connected to my hand. What in the world was happening? I tried to steady my vision, when I heard the door opening…it was Craig.

"Ash…your awake! Let me go get your parents." He yelled happily…he was giving me a headache and I didn't want to see my parents yet.

"No…don't." I whispered; I didn't know how hoarse my voice had gotten.

"What?" He took his hand off of the doorknob.

"Just sit here with me…please." I watched as Craig took a seat in the chair by me.

"How are you?" He held my hand; I could feel myself feeling a bit better.

"I don't feel to good." I answered truthfully…he already knew the truth.

"W-where am I?" I asked fearing the answer she was going to it.

"You don't know? Your in the hospital, Ash." The hospital? Well…yeah, I should've known I was in the hospital. 

"Who checked me in here?" I asked not remembering the events before I came here.

"You don't remember?" I shook my head.

"Your mom took you here. You passed out at your house. You've been unconscious for a couple of days now." Me? Unconscious? This all didn't make any sense.

"We all thought that we were going to loose you." 

"I don't want to loose you either." I smiled as I reached out to touch his face. 

"Your parents know." He whispered, suddenly dampening the mood. I frowned not knowing what he was talking about.

"About the cancer." He said in a low whisper. Oh no…how could they know? What was going to happen to me? This had gone to far…way to far.

"Who told them? Did you?" I asked, suddenly feeling myself get angry.

"No…they found out. The doctors had been running a lot of tests on you. They were so mad at Paige and I for not telling them." I started to feel bad for all the trouble I had caused them.

"I'm sorry." I somberly whispered.

"Its not your fault." He needed to stop making me feel like I had nothing to do with this…this was my entire fault.

"Stop. This was my entire fault. Everyone knows now, there's no need to keep it a secret."

"Why'd you lie, Ash?" I stared at him…I didn't know why I had been lying so much, everything had been going so out of control.

"I don't know. I just didn't want any of you to get hurt. Now that I look back on it, I know it was a foolish thing to do, but I didn't know what else I could do. But its to late for apologies, I might not live long enough to see out of this hospital." I whispered.

"Don't say that."

"We have to face reality, Craig." Even though my reality wasn't so great…cancer wasn't something I had planed on.

"I wish I could start over…I wish this never happened Craig." I whispered, I really didn't have the energy to talk now; this cancer was sure taking a toll on me.

"Tell me you love me." I just wanted to hear him say it…since this might be the last time I see him…I'm such a drama queen. I watched as he hesitated a bit…I could tell he was scared.

"I-I love you, A-ash." He practically chocked out. 

"Craig…I'm scared." I whispered truthfully, feeling tears brim my eyes.

"You're going to get through this." He tried to reassure me.

"What if I don't? What if I die?" I asked fearfully, thinking about my inevitable fate.

"Stop thinking like that, you're going to beat this." I shook my head; the tears were falling freely down my face.

"Maybe if I had told the truth…maybe this wouldn't have happened. This is my entire fault…I didn't mean for this to happen the way it's doing now. I don't want to die…I really don't." I cried, confessing all my fears.

"To think my biggest fear used to be, that I won't pass some silly test…now I'm in the hospital plugged up to all types of machines, thinking about death. How Ironic!" I laughed bitterly…my life was crumbling as I knew it and there was nothing I could do about it.


	9. Chapter 9

I opened my eyes and thought I would see Craig sitting next to me, but I didn't…I must've dozed off.

"Ash…you're awake." I heard a voice coming from the right side of me. I turned and saw Ellie, my best friend.

"Hey Ellie." I could feel myself feeling better.

"Okay…this may some really lame when I say this, but…I was really worried about you." I smiled.

"I'm really scared, Ellie." I knew I could tell her stuff…and she wouldn't judge me, that's just the way she was.

"How long have you knew…you know about the-" I could tell she was too afraid to say it.

"The cancer…awhile now, Ell. Enough to know that I'm going to die." I whispered sadly.

"Don't say that, Ash."

"Why kid myself, Ellie? I'm going to die soon and its really all my fault. If I just…" I trailed off noticing that Ellie was hitting her wrist with a rubber band. She looked up and noticed I stopped talking.

"What's wrong?" She was acting all cool and calm, while I on the other hand was racking my brain for a reason why she was doing that.

"What are you doing?" I waited for an answer, but she wouldn't tell me.

"I could see why you wouldn't tell me…I didn't tell you about the cancer, I mean I was, but-"

"It's a therapy thing!" Ellie shouted at me…therapy thing. Then I remembered, when I was in therapy a year ago there was this girl and she was doing the same thing…because she-

"Ellie…you cut?" I asked, not really wanting to believe it.

"Its not something I'm proud of. It was just a way to release all my pain." Ellie put her head down in shame.

"Ellie we all have problems…your just lucky you didn't end up in a hospital bed, like me." I laughed bitterly.

"Don't say that…you're one of the strongest people I know, Ash. Don't let me down." She hugged me and walked out of the room. 20 minutes later and her words still lingered in my mind.

"I don't want to let you down, Ellie." I whispered. I didn't want to let anyone down…maybe I should fight and maybe I could win this battle. I just had to keep on believing that I could beat this.

"Ashley." I watched as my mother walked into the room. I knew I was in trouble from the look she had on her face.

"You know this room could really use a paint job. I'm thinking…red?" I tried to make a joke and lighten the situation, but it obviously wasn't working.

"Ashley, this is no time to joke." I practically cringed at her stern voice.

"I know." I watched as she sat down on the chair next to me.

"I spoke to the doctors…"

"And?" I felt my heart beat wildly afraid of what she would say.

"And they said the cancer hasn't spread at all." Her voice had a bit of excitement in it.

"Are you serious?" I asked, feeling the tears I had been holding back slide down my cheeks.

"Yes…you know you're very lucky." I nodded, wondering why she was coming close to my bed.

"I know, mom." I sniffed, and was taken by surprise when I felt her hugging me.

"You're going to have to go threw Chemo therapy for a few weeks." She pulled away from me…it hurt me to see the tears in her eyes, knowing that I had made them appear…that I was the reason for all her pain. No one knew how happy I was that I was going to live…but maybe if I did die, everyone would be a peace.

"And you're going to have to miss school for a month or two…but the teachers will send you all of your work, so you won't miss anything."

"Mom…I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Don't be, Ashley—I'm just glad you're going to be all right." I turned my head away, I couldn't bear to look at her…she was a mess. Just imagined how I looked! Typical you, Ash…worrying about your physical appearance!

"Is dad here?" I asked, desperately wanting to change the subject.

"He took the first flight out of Europe today…so he should be here by tomorrow." Typical dad…I was in the hospital for 2 days and he's just flying out now.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Did she have to bring up that question? Why does she think I didn't tell her…so I wouldn't have to hear questions like this!

"Because." I answered simply.

"Ashley, don't do this."

"Fine…I didn't tell you because you wouldn't understand. This was something I kept to myself, so it would be easier for me to die." I admitted.

"Ashley! Don't you dare say that. You're not going to die!"

"Why'd you do this, Ash? Why? Am I a bad mother, is that it?"

"And how do you know? Mom…this is my fault—I'm in this damn hospital bed because of me! I'm a screw up."

"You're not a screw up…you're a child and children make mistakes."

"That's just it, mom! You treat me like a child…I'm not a child! I'm 15 and I'm old enough to make my own decisions…and this one. This was the worse. I'm to blame for all of this, so just let me take responsibility for it!" Feeling drained out of my energy I decided to stop shouting.

"I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with all of this." I listened to her sigh…she only did that when she was aggravated.

"Do you know when I could get out of here?"

"Soon…maybe in a few days. They just want to see how your first chemo treatment goes and then you get to go back home." Chemo…those words made me sick to my stomach. Oh great, I get to loose my hair and puke my brains out, now. How fun!

"I'll let you get your rest, Ashley. I hope you get better." I watched as she got up, kissed my forehead and left the room…alone at last. Better, huh? What if I never get better…what if the cancer does get worse? This is nobody's fault but my own.

AN: Sorry about this guys…I know very short and I haven't written anything since March. Well with Degrassi back on I have newfound inspiration and next chapter will have a bit more CrAsh…even if I think Craig is a bastard.


	10. Chapter 10

So they're letting me out tomorrow, that's great and I know I should be more cheerful, but there's that part of me that just always has to look at the bad side of thing…yeah, I know great habit! My dad came by to see my late last night and he said he would stay for another 2 weeks, and I should be happy, but I'm not. I still feel the need to push them away…push them all away, even Craig. Sometimes I think I'm just better off dying…

I've been such a horrible friend lately! I just found out from Paige that Ellie had been cutting for a while now and Terri was with an abusive boyfriend. How could I have missed all of this? Oh…I know why, I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice. Am I _that _much of horrible person? I must sound like a crazy person; I need to just get out of here. I'm sick of staring at these same four walls, I'm sick of knowing that I'm suffering from a life threatening disease, and I'm sick of not knowing things! I wish I could just be normal—I swear I'll be a better person.

"Stop crying!" I scolded myself, this was my fault everything was my fault, if I didn't lie—no! I had to lie and maybe I still do…

"Your chariot awaits." I heard Craig's voice, which hinted an unusual fake English tone. I turned my head to see him standing by the door with a wheelchair in hand.

"Oh um…I'm sorry." I watched as his face fell, he knows I've been crying. I stayed silent, not really in the mood to speak, was this how he was going to react when I loose my hair…when I start to puke my brains out?

"Ash, are you okay?" He let go of the wheelchair and rushed over to the chair by my bed.

"It's not your fault." I whispered.

"What?" I quickly grew frustrated.

"It's not your fault, it's not anybody's fault but my own! Why can't any of you understand that?" Craig backed up; the look in Ashley's eyes scared him.

"You can't blame yourself for what's happening to you." I nodded and watched a smile form on his face.

"But I can for making it worse." I whispered.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, nothing…so are you going to tell me what's the wheelchair for?" I asked trying to avoid the subject.

"Oh—um." I watched as he reached to grab the handle of the wheelchair, but it was to far and he fell.

"Craig?" I asked a little worriedly noticing he was on the floor for quite sometime.

"Y-yeah." He came back up his face red as a tomato.

"Are you okay?" I started to laugh I couldn't contain my seriousness.

"I'm okay." He nodded moving closer to the wheelchair as he grabbed the handle this time. I continued to laugh at his fall, I haven't laughed this hard…or laughed at all since I've been in this dreaded hospital bed.

"Well, its good to know me falling humors you."

"Laugh it up Ash." I stopped laughing when I saw the frown on his face, but I knew he was joking.

"Sorry." I tried to keep a straight face on.

"So…do the doctors know you're doing this?" I asked as he helped me to sit up.

"Nah…your parents don't even want me to see you so I stole this wheel chair from some old person and decided to break you out of here." I stared at him in shock.

"I'm joking." He slightly laughed.

"A very bad one at that." I joked along with him.

"Ha ha, Ash." He said sarcastically as he helped me into the wheelchair.

"Where to?"

"Anywhere that's not in this hospital!"

"So…how's the band?" I asked we were outside in the garden since it was the farthest we could go.

"We suck." I laughed at his expression.

"You don't suck."

"I don't suck, Spinner does."

"Way to be modest—and I'm sure Spinner isn't that bad."

"Have you heard him lately?"

"Uh…no, incase you haven't noticed I've been here, in the hospital." I watched as his face fell.

"I'm so-"

"Please don't say you're sorry," I pleaded, "I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me."

"Okay then—well…" He racked his brain for possible topics, "You know what we should do?"

I shook my head.

"We should go on a date." I let out a laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"We haven't been on a date in like a month."

"That's the point." He said slowly.

I smacked him lightly upside his head, "Hey!"

"Funny." I said sarcastically.

"Seriously, we should go on a date." I nodded.

"Okay, fine but when?"

"Next Saturday?"

"Nah," I shook my head, "Next weeks bad. I was planning on going to a Dashboard Confessional concert. You know, go for a groupie, hang out for a while—make out with Chris…" I joked, but he wasn't laughing.

I laughed, "I joking."

"Very funny, Ash." He said sarcastically.

"What's wrong Craig? Can't take a joke?" I badgered him.

"I can," He shifted, "I just don't like hearing about my girlfriend making out with another guy." He muttered.

My eyes lit up, "Are you jealous?"

"No!" He shook his head.

"Sure you aren't Manning."

"Manning?" He laughed, "So we're on last name basis now?"

"Yeah we are." I watched as a smirk appeared on his face. I was having such a good time with Craig; maybe I shouldn't have pushed him away in the first place.

"Okay then Kerwin."

I shook my head, "No—I'm still Ashley, I just get to call you Manning."

"Why?"

"Sick girl's orders." I said simply as the smirk disappeared from his face. Me being sick was a delicate topic, but what better way to get over it by making a joke?

"So," I cleared my throat, "Next Saturday right?"

"Yeah," He nodded, "Next Saturday." I watched as he glanced down at his watch.

"C'mon…we better get back." I frowned; I didn't want to go back I hated the hospital. I hated what was happening to me.

"Do we have to?" I practically whined.

"Yeah we do." He smiled sadly as he got up from the rock he was sitting on and began to wheel me back.

"Ashley where were you?" I heard my mother's scolding voice as Craig wheeled me back in the room.

I watched as her eyes averted from me to Craig, "You." She hissed. She started to dislike Craig right after the whole cancer incident—part of me thinks she never liked him. She even admitted that she liked Jimmy, better.

Before she could yell at him I interrupted her, "It's not his fault mom."

"Oh?" Her attention brought back to me.

"I just needed to get some air so Craig took me out outside for a bit…we just lost track of time out there, that's all." I lied…well part of it was true.

"Ash…I'm going to go." He whispered, he had to feel uncomfortable with my dad and my mom practically burning holes into him.

"Okay. Next Saturday?" I repeated it was really the only thing I really had to look forward to.

"Yeah," He nodded as he kissed my forehead. We both looked up to see my parents still staring.

"Bye." He said quickly.

"Bye." I whispered as he left the room.

"What's next Saturday?" My mother asked as soon as Craig left the room.

I shifted, "Craig and I are going a date." My mother shot me a shocked glare.

"That's very nice." My father said.

"Thanks _dad_." I said glaring at my mother.

"Why are you encouraging her?" My mother asked my father.

"Well I think its good she's looking forward to something." I stayed silent as they continued arguing, forgetting that I was even in the room. I sat back against the wheel chair and closed my eyes just putting all my energy into thinking about next Saturday. This was going to be a long couple of days.


End file.
